LOVE My Live

I've been thinking a lot lately about life, the big decisions, the big picture, and it occurs to me that I appear to be basing my overall wellbeing on my poor choices. We're all familiar with the saying "you're only as strong as your weakest link" well I'm feeling only as productive as my least-productive days, only as smart as my poorest decisions. While I can see the logic in the weakest-link analogy, I need a more positive perspective. I need to be strong despite my weakest link, strong enough to fix my weak links. (Seems I can't blog properly from behind this Navy firewall, I'll edit later to add the image I wanted to put here.)

There iz nite so we can appreciate day,
sorrow so we can appreciate joy,
evil so we can appreciate gud,
U so I can appreciate luv.

_______
Don't lose the one u luv 4 the one u like because the one u like might lose u 4 who they love.
_______
I asked God 4 a minute n he gave me a day,
I asked God 4 a flower n he gave me a bouquet,
I asked God 4 love and he gave me that too,
I asked God 4 an angel and he gave me u....
_______
A candle may melt,
and it’z fire may die,
but the luv u have given me,
will alwayz stay az a flame,
in my heart......
_______
Flowers say if u like me, not pluck me.
Birds say if u like me not catch me,
I say if u like me, don't forget me,
Always remember me,
My Luv.
_______
The mind iz the most,
exceptional limb it workz,
24 hourz a day 365 dayz,
a year form birth until u fall in luv.

http://www.lovewayz.com/

It's been a long while and it seems like you've gone a long way.

There you were, on that same spot where I first laid eyes on you. You were busy talking to your friends, exchanging hugs and kisses. You turned out to be more beautiful since the last time I saw you. At first I wanted to turn back and walk away but something in me wanted to know how you're doing.

"Uhm, Hi... how are you? It's been a year" As I stare blankly towards your expressionless face, images from our past began to reel on my mind.

The memories I kept in a casket buried deep in the depths of my oblivious head, somehow crawled its way up to where we stood.

Do you remember how I used to bring you roses on our special days? 

How about the letters I stayed up all night just to write?

Do you remember the feeling when all we had to do was walk aimlessly and let time fly?

Do you remember... sitting beneath the cloudless sky, the moon's pulsating beam illuminating our very shadows as we indulge ourselves in exchanging fantasies of what our life together would be like. My soft lips gently pressed against yours; my fingers smoothing the strands of your chestnut hair, Do you remember any of it?

It's sad though, how I lacked the courage to say to you every memoir that was summoned in my head. I knew you've gone far. I knew the pain you've had to overcome; the pain that kept you up all night weeping and searching for answers. The pain.... I inflicted.

If only I have the power to go back in time and correct my wrongs just so I could keep you wrapped in my arms, I would've done it. If only I was wise enough to know the fruits of my shortcomings, I would have been more cautious. If only I kept myself in love in times when I was about to fall out it...

Your eyes looked away as I tried to share a tale.

"Elijah, I hope you understand"
"... uhm, of course! I'm sorry"
"You know, one thing I don't get is that I'm not mad at you for breaking my heart. I don't know why but I guess we really don't need to understand everything right?"
"...right"
"...uhm, take care of yourself"
"yes, you too."

In my head was a whisper "My darling, I shouldn't have let you walk out my door"

P.S.
Our entire love story's written here on my blog, search for thoughts 1-5 it's there. If you've been following me since 2010, you'll know this one.

As I sit here in a quiet space while my daughter is tucked away in bed sleeping happily, thoughts float through my head on how motherhood has been the most challenging job I have ever had to this day. I have been really seeking God on being a better mother learning to put aside my selfish needs and desires to cultivate a nurturing home life and relationship with my daughter. I am blessed to be a mother, so many times I believe I took that for granted not realizing my time with my daughter is the most rewarding time of my life. It's funny how God will use small things to show me I am right where I need to be in my life.  When I had my oldest daughter at the age of 22 my world changed and a close friend of mine during that time taught me how to go from club girl to a mother. My daughter changed my life and sometimes I believe in spite of the choices I made God used her to save my life. I had another life to look after and it was my responsibility to nurture and raise this blessing from God.

     Then at the age of 25 God blessed me with another baby girl named Serenity. I felt guilty to bring my daughters in a world without being married. Although, I chose to be a single parent when I brought them into this world unwed, but I still was determined to not let this handicap my ability to be a good mother to them. It is not easy being a single parent, at times I wanted to cry because it can be hard to be the only person trying to maintain the household and not have that second person to help in the household. I made up my mind that motherhood is not a part time job, seasonal or contracted job put a full time commitment. When my baby daughter died a part of me died and it was so hard to even want to push past my emptiness because I love my girls more than anything. However, I had to push past the devastation and be determined to make a healthy life for my oldest daughter. It was not fair to her for me to stop living because I still had to raise her.
    
     During the healing process of losing one child I was challenged to start a new life when I separated from the U.S. Navy in 2008. I realized it was the best thing to do because my oldest daughter needed me. As I look back now I realize I dedicated nine years to the military and now it was time to dedicate my time to building my home like a mother should do. In society we are not given the choice sometimes to stay at home to raise our kids and build our homes like the Proverbs 31 woman however, we have to be committed to making time to build our homes as women. I have not worked for 4 years and I thank God he has provided for me and my daughter. This is my time to give back to my daughter, spend quality time with her and teach her effective life lessons. The greatest gift I can give back to my daughter is to nurture her growth as a young lady. As a mother it is my duty to teach her how to be a Christian young lady and have values in this often harsh world. It's funny while I am writing this the epiphany hits me...my duty in this season of my life is to be a mother who is at home. It is my duty to build my home and nurture my child. I am learning everyday how to raise my ten year old daughter to be a young lady who is classy, smart, assertive and teaching her she can own her own business. I realize since I am going to college at 33 I am teaching my daughter to never give up on her dreams. I had many setbacks but the greatest comeback is me living my dream because my daughter's success is connected to me.

Motherhood may not be easy but in the end it is the most rewarding gift in the world....